(Originally written on August 25th, 2007)
As my eyes close tight,
And my hands make fists,
I lie still and try to make sense,
Of why this is what i've become.
Hollow, empty, drained and alone,
I am at a sick dead end.
My words turn to stone,
My thoughts dissolve,
And i'm useless once more.
Becoming one with the cold.
And you wonder why,
I long to return to the soil,
Where worms would be,
More faithful than you.
Confined to my own skin,
I wander inwards,
This sick, sick dead end
Friday 23 October 2009
5 Short Poems
(All written at different times but published on March 15th, 2005)
Untitled
Mediocrity feels safe, safe enough to hold insomnia,
Close to my chest, letting me hear my own quickening breath,
Letting others know how scared i am, unintentional signs,
Force me to turn my back on all that is sacred to me,
As i lie, but standing with the weight of all on my shoulders.
When everybody else's thoughts have entered my head,
And the consequent pressure causes my head to pain,
The only valve is that of parting skin, claret liquid,
"I did this to myself", "I am my own master", "I did this",
The tidal wave of guilt and remorse takes me under once more.
Sometimes in dream i am merely sleeping, and i'm scared,
Never naked, i cower from daylight and wish for an end,
An end to curses cast by relentless self-doubt,
And the chances that these signals are real. I cannot hope.
For i hold no answers to questions i can only respond to.
Even as the nib hits the leaf i am awashed with voices,
Voices that seem to come from myself, with criticism,
Of things and ideas that ither voices beg me to use,
Torn between myself and i, i feel my ribs cracking,
And my heart feels no force of which direction to follow.
Pen become the razor, paper become the skin,
So i can wrap myself in the safety again,
But without the malnourition of positive thought,
And the floods of insomnia that beg my mind,
To take myself by the throat, and drag me from this world.
A Ghost's Getaway
Invisible shackles gripping ankles tight,
Clenched fists and teeth help none,
This room was once this dark before,
Now empty souls have left.
Untitled
Alone in a room of three digits,
My ears are ringing with the sound of worried voices,
And i'm not sure if i came here for an ending,
Or maybe this is what ghosts do when they're scared.
Entwined with strands of nothing,
Startled by my own sudden movements,
I sat and sighed at your image with eyes closed,
And fell into dark peace in our breathing conversation.
I swear i cursed that room,
When i left with clear wrists and a clear mind,
I knew i could survive when the water didn't change,
And i let the cold steel slip from my fingers.
Today i burned cells,
I blistered skin to forget,
I branded my determination to win.
I know this is not the way i should go,
But please let me see enough of the path to learn,
That to find you i need to push myself aside.
Untitled
The ink runs dry as i etch promises into paper,
Pledges turned inwards as i bring my fists down,
I slept with eyes open, now i can't keep them closed,
As the figures form and sweep slowly through stone,
Chemicals point the way to balanced mediocrity,
Because the saints all fled when the rain began,
Now i'm left with nothing without shelter and knowledge to gain,
Of mechanics which power your trust-starved motives.
I am haunted by clouds which part as i turn,
And the pledges i made are as good as destroyed,
When your words accumulate forming the weapon,
To persuade self infliction of unwanted emotions.
Skin grazed from struggling,
I lie at your feet,
Palms together, i beg,
For the clouds to disappear.
1010010115/12/0410110111
Breathed names, red patches,
Sore skin and removed jewellery,
In a room with empty picture frames,
And nooses leading trails to closed doors.
I smashed the floor, for difference,
Most come through windows,
I wanted southbound bereavemenet.
Empty table, open book, empty pages,
I waved you in, blank stare and collapse.
The end of silence.
Untitled
Mediocrity feels safe, safe enough to hold insomnia,
Close to my chest, letting me hear my own quickening breath,
Letting others know how scared i am, unintentional signs,
Force me to turn my back on all that is sacred to me,
As i lie, but standing with the weight of all on my shoulders.
When everybody else's thoughts have entered my head,
And the consequent pressure causes my head to pain,
The only valve is that of parting skin, claret liquid,
"I did this to myself", "I am my own master", "I did this",
The tidal wave of guilt and remorse takes me under once more.
Sometimes in dream i am merely sleeping, and i'm scared,
Never naked, i cower from daylight and wish for an end,
An end to curses cast by relentless self-doubt,
And the chances that these signals are real. I cannot hope.
For i hold no answers to questions i can only respond to.
Even as the nib hits the leaf i am awashed with voices,
Voices that seem to come from myself, with criticism,
Of things and ideas that ither voices beg me to use,
Torn between myself and i, i feel my ribs cracking,
And my heart feels no force of which direction to follow.
Pen become the razor, paper become the skin,
So i can wrap myself in the safety again,
But without the malnourition of positive thought,
And the floods of insomnia that beg my mind,
To take myself by the throat, and drag me from this world.
A Ghost's Getaway
Invisible shackles gripping ankles tight,
Clenched fists and teeth help none,
This room was once this dark before,
Now empty souls have left.
Untitled
Alone in a room of three digits,
My ears are ringing with the sound of worried voices,
And i'm not sure if i came here for an ending,
Or maybe this is what ghosts do when they're scared.
Entwined with strands of nothing,
Startled by my own sudden movements,
I sat and sighed at your image with eyes closed,
And fell into dark peace in our breathing conversation.
I swear i cursed that room,
When i left with clear wrists and a clear mind,
I knew i could survive when the water didn't change,
And i let the cold steel slip from my fingers.
Today i burned cells,
I blistered skin to forget,
I branded my determination to win.
I know this is not the way i should go,
But please let me see enough of the path to learn,
That to find you i need to push myself aside.
Untitled
The ink runs dry as i etch promises into paper,
Pledges turned inwards as i bring my fists down,
I slept with eyes open, now i can't keep them closed,
As the figures form and sweep slowly through stone,
Chemicals point the way to balanced mediocrity,
Because the saints all fled when the rain began,
Now i'm left with nothing without shelter and knowledge to gain,
Of mechanics which power your trust-starved motives.
I am haunted by clouds which part as i turn,
And the pledges i made are as good as destroyed,
When your words accumulate forming the weapon,
To persuade self infliction of unwanted emotions.
Skin grazed from struggling,
I lie at your feet,
Palms together, i beg,
For the clouds to disappear.
1010010115/12/0410110111
Breathed names, red patches,
Sore skin and removed jewellery,
In a room with empty picture frames,
And nooses leading trails to closed doors.
I smashed the floor, for difference,
Most come through windows,
I wanted southbound bereavemenet.
Empty table, open book, empty pages,
I waved you in, blank stare and collapse.
The end of silence.
Room
(Originally written in a hotel room in Wolverhampton, alone. Date unknown. Originally published onto the net on October 8th, 2004)
Alone in a room of three digits,
My ears are ringing with the sound of worried voices,
And I'm not sure if I came here for an ending,
Or maybe this is what ghosts do when they're scared.
Entwined with strands of nothing,
Startled by my own sudden movements,
I sat and sighed at your image with eyes closed,
And fell into dark peace in our breathing conversation.
I swear i cursed that room,
When i left with clear wrists and a clear mind,
I knew i could survive when the water didn't change,
And i felt the cold steel slip from my fingers.
Today I burned cells,
I blistered skin to forget,
I branded my determination to win.
I know this is not the way i should go,
But please let me see enough of the path to learn,
That to find you i need to push myself aside.
Alone in a room of three digits,
My ears are ringing with the sound of worried voices,
And I'm not sure if I came here for an ending,
Or maybe this is what ghosts do when they're scared.
Entwined with strands of nothing,
Startled by my own sudden movements,
I sat and sighed at your image with eyes closed,
And fell into dark peace in our breathing conversation.
I swear i cursed that room,
When i left with clear wrists and a clear mind,
I knew i could survive when the water didn't change,
And i felt the cold steel slip from my fingers.
Today I burned cells,
I blistered skin to forget,
I branded my determination to win.
I know this is not the way i should go,
But please let me see enough of the path to learn,
That to find you i need to push myself aside.
You, And The Addition
(Originally written on July 18th, 2004)
When the breath hit my neck,
And the noise the air made,
The overpowering smell,
All came over me, washing innocence away.
Yesterday I came out of the maze with raised fists,
My teeth clenched as i held the beasts head,
Now I am awake I am further into the maze as i've ever been,
And I feel that the beast hides around every corner.
You were holding the candle,
And you were whispering directions to freedom,
Then I swear you tried to stab me,
Unwilling confusion, causing you to act out.
On your frustrations.
On animal instinct.
On bare impulses.
On evil.
Now there is an addition,
A shadow that follows me, though it cannot reach me,
I know that it will be at my back forever,
It will gain knowledge through power,
I will be found, blamed and destroyed.
You know now what you didn't know then,
And you're acting in circles,
It seems that those around you are trying to help,
The people around me are closing in,
With arms raised,
Fingers pointing to the sky,
Reminding me of my end.
You and the addition,
Unnamed, identity not even whispered.
Now I can see the sky.
The sky itself is the reminder now.
When the breath hit my neck,
And the noise the air made,
The overpowering smell,
All came over me, washing innocence away.
Yesterday I came out of the maze with raised fists,
My teeth clenched as i held the beasts head,
Now I am awake I am further into the maze as i've ever been,
And I feel that the beast hides around every corner.
You were holding the candle,
And you were whispering directions to freedom,
Then I swear you tried to stab me,
Unwilling confusion, causing you to act out.
On your frustrations.
On animal instinct.
On bare impulses.
On evil.
Now there is an addition,
A shadow that follows me, though it cannot reach me,
I know that it will be at my back forever,
It will gain knowledge through power,
I will be found, blamed and destroyed.
You know now what you didn't know then,
And you're acting in circles,
It seems that those around you are trying to help,
The people around me are closing in,
With arms raised,
Fingers pointing to the sky,
Reminding me of my end.
You and the addition,
Unnamed, identity not even whispered.
Now I can see the sky.
The sky itself is the reminder now.
Hoping, Failing
(Originally written on June 6th, 2004)
Falling in love with hearts full of gunpowder,
Shackles on both our feet, restricting contact,
May our courage and faith alone break them,
So that we can rid our shoulders of these black burdens,
That hide so cowardly in the shadow-filled corners,
To pounce when we are so sure we are safe,
Together I know that we can extinguish the fire,
That burns as a reminder of so many past failures.
Falling in love with hearts full of gunpowder,
Shackles on both our feet, restricting contact,
May our courage and faith alone break them,
So that we can rid our shoulders of these black burdens,
That hide so cowardly in the shadow-filled corners,
To pounce when we are so sure we are safe,
Together I know that we can extinguish the fire,
That burns as a reminder of so many past failures.
Time To Wake Up
(Originally written on January 19th, 2004)
Drowning for what appears to be,
Forever. I'm falling.
I can see walls of staring eyes,
Fixated on my failures.
And I'll greet them,
And I'll comfort them,
And I'll bite the hand that feeds.
Because I've tried to fly before,
And the impossibility astounds me,
As I watch you all grip so tightly.
Let go of your dreams and look around,
Take a deep breath and feel yourself cry,
As realisation suffocates you,
That this is all for nothing.
Hopes that bleed anti-climax,
What is created, is betrayed by it's creator,
Now it's time to wake up.
Drowning for what appears to be,
Forever. I'm falling.
I can see walls of staring eyes,
Fixated on my failures.
And I'll greet them,
And I'll comfort them,
And I'll bite the hand that feeds.
Because I've tried to fly before,
And the impossibility astounds me,
As I watch you all grip so tightly.
Let go of your dreams and look around,
Take a deep breath and feel yourself cry,
As realisation suffocates you,
That this is all for nothing.
Hopes that bleed anti-climax,
What is created, is betrayed by it's creator,
Now it's time to wake up.
Salvation Is Irrelevant
(Originally written on January 15th, 2004)
Walking with our heads hanging,
It's over and over and over,
The same old pace to the same old routine,
We're all dead. Still we walk.
It's so obvious now,
As these elements hit my skin,
That we are given these choices,
As a deterrent from questioning.
Salvation is irrelevant,
If we are all ghosts.
Constant repetition;
A metaphorical erosion of the spirit.
I've died here before,
And I'll do it again.
As a shadow.
The new wave is satirical,
Your efforts are hysterical,
Your words hypocritical.
This world needs a miracle,
Salvation is irrelevant.
If we are all ghosts.
Because we're drowning in liquid that cannot evaporate.
It feels like i'm screaming in a vacuum,
Can you hear me?
Because I can feel you.
But it's all worth nothing,
Because we are all ghosts.
Walking with our heads hanging,
It's over and over and over,
The same old pace to the same old routine,
We're all dead. Still we walk.
It's so obvious now,
As these elements hit my skin,
That we are given these choices,
As a deterrent from questioning.
Salvation is irrelevant,
If we are all ghosts.
Constant repetition;
A metaphorical erosion of the spirit.
I've died here before,
And I'll do it again.
As a shadow.
The new wave is satirical,
Your efforts are hysterical,
Your words hypocritical.
This world needs a miracle,
Salvation is irrelevant.
If we are all ghosts.
Because we're drowning in liquid that cannot evaporate.
It feels like i'm screaming in a vacuum,
Can you hear me?
Because I can feel you.
But it's all worth nothing,
Because we are all ghosts.
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